Archive | January, 2015

Finally alone in the room with MS

29 Jan

I haven’t written an entry for this blog in a very long time.  There is a reason, one in which I honestly didn’t believe I would be writing about already.

April 2014 saw the turning point in my whole ill health drama.  I left the Vets.  Not by choice, there wasn’t a hells chance I would have chosen that and when I was diagnosed I swore to everyone that they would have to carry me out of there.  They very nearly did.

I remember my appointment at the Hospital with my lovely Nurse last year and suddenly bursting into tears as I struggled to suppress the thoughts that were upsetting me so much.  We talked everything through and she said that she had come to know me as a very determined person but in truth, the job was now getting too much and once I had made a decision, I would feel better.
She was right of course but it was so gut wrenchingly awful. The thought of not being able to no longer cope with a 3-4 hour Saturday morning job which was also my passion was unbearable but it was a harsh truth. MS had taken its final piece of what made me Sam, an individual, apart from being a wife, mother etc.

It is very important, in my opinion, to have something in your life that is yours, to treasure, that grounds you, gives you true you time.  My husband has his Astronomy and I have animals, the Vets especially.  Now, I am lucky in that I have pets, probably too many, as it can be very busy, but I need that weirdly.

I had to get my eldest cat Branston his booster today and since leaving, walking in there finds my heart shattering all over again.  It is painful, really painful, worse than anything MS can throw at me currently.  To say I am angry is an understatement and behind the anger (as it is a surface emotion) is fear, complete and utter fear.

I am 42, which isn’t old and I find myself on the scrap heap, completely lost as to what to do with myself.  Do I try to get the education I never received at the sorry state of a school I was sent to?  Try to finish my Counselling qualification that I have been pushed out of because I couldn’t possibly cope.  They forgot I had MS in the 3 years previously, tut tut (that was devastating and confusing), or do I just add to my ever growing collection of blankets and pyjamas and resign myself to this future?  I have to admit to subscribing to the Art of Knitting before my arms completely give up and they are trying very hard at this!!  I figured I could knit a square a week as a kind of project and then finally put together the squares to make, er, oops another blanket!

To end, I need to elaborate on the title of this post.  I have realised, that my little job was a distraction from my reality and future.  All the time I could go there, I could escape, look into the kennels, observe and care for any hospitalised pets.  Clean, help out with Nurse duties and just generally absorb a world where I forgot about me and the crap I drowned in all week.

Now that has been taken and I need to learn to swim, I need to learn to escape, find something so that I am not always alone in the room with MS.