Tag Archives: fear

The Operation

26 Feb

I am petrified at the moment.  Why?  I have my first general anaesthetic next month and it scares me.

I have had an operation before but it was a spinal for my emergency C-section for my son and yes it was scary because it was unexpected and like a scene out of ER minus George Clooney (sob) but I was ecstatically happy to be having my baby.

When I was 11, my periods started and unfortunately on my maternal side runs a rather unfortunate trait of having periods than resemble the first stages of labour.  I have vivid memories of my mum in absolute agony, with vomiting and I was thinking, I do not like periods and I hope mine is a long way off starting!  IT had other ideas and arrived, in my opinion, too young.  I was in agony every month and became best friends with a hot water bottle and ibuprofen.  I have memories of rolling around in pain with my mum trying to encourage me to have something very small to eat as ‘you shouldn’t take ibuprofen on an empty stomach’, so there I was, trying to down some biscuits, a banana, anything so I could take the magic pills.  Problem was, the tablets would only work well for a couple of hours until the effects started to ware off and I would be writhing around in pain again until I could take the next dose.

This went on an on and like many other girls was told to get on with it and take the contraceptive pill to help with the pain.  So I did and they did absolutely nothing, the only positive was I knew exactly when I would come on so could plan accurately when I would be ailing.

In my late teens, I ended up in a private consultation room at a very posh hospital covered on my step-dads insurance at the time.  The consultant was very nice but wasn’t much use and nothing much happened.

Fast forward to last year, I saw a very lovely surgeon who informed me after speaking with him for no more than 5 minutes that he was sure I had Endometriosis.  Now, this is where I am back to what was my GP thinking?  My mum was told she had endometriosis but managed to have 2 children, it is just me that has secondary infertility.  So, why wasn’t this investigated sooner?  The surgeon said that no one should have very painful periods, it isn’t normal and shouldn’t be left.  The clue for all Doctors is when the pill doesn’t work.  He also said that if the pill hasn’t helped then neither will HRT when the menopause phase hits and I am sure that won’t be long.

So, he will be doing a Laparoscopy to diagnose what he thinks is going on so I am keeping an open mind.  I am very keen to find out if he locates my right ovary, as it appears to have gone missing!!

I know that what with my MS and my thyroid now playing up even more since starting Avonex, plus my age we will never have a much wanted second child.  A big part of me wants to ask the surgeon not to tell me if what he finds has prevented a pregnancy and that it could have been fixed if found earlier.  I will also feel very upset as I was under investigation for secondary infertility, so the question would be, why now?  This information would have been very useful 5 years ago!!  As adults, me and my husband struggle sometimes, but it is our son, he has been asking for a brother or sister for years and it is heart breaking trying to explain why he is on his own.  We know he will understand one day.

This is a downer post I know, but when I was young, I believed my GP had my best interests at heart and was there to help and protect my health.  I was never referred to anyone about my issues and now I am sitting here with MS, possible Endometriosis and thyroid issues that were actually diagnosed by chance because my GP was away and I saw a quick thinking/acting Locum (luckily).

GPs are great don’t get me wrong but they make the huge mistake of not accepting when they have reached the end of their knowledge and refuse to refer to a consultant who can actually help.  Going on for years and years, making a patient suffer just because they hope the problem will go away because they are sure it is all in the mind, is just not becoming of their intelligence or their patients.

I was in limboland for health problems for over 20 years because of me.  I tried but failed rather well at not speaking up louder and more assertively.  It is not healthy to blame myself but I allowed Doctors to treat me like I was invisible.  Thank goodness that every consultant I have seen have been nothing short of fantastic and have taken away that feeling of  ‘I am mad’ because the GP told me so.

Derailed and getting back on track

4 Apr

I haven’t posted for a while and I felt guilty about that.  I have been avoiding it mainly because I have been a ranting, miserable cow.  I seem to be completely incapable of talking about things without getting too passionate/on my high horse and its getting on my nerves, let alone anyone else!  This is all fuelled by fear of course.

Apathy has set in.  I haven’t applied for DLA as I keep saying what’s the point, I won’t get anything anyway.  ESA is out as if I have to deal with those Advisors, I fear loss of life, they are complete tossers, devoid of all empathy.  I claimed 6 months contributory JSA when I got made redundant.  I was scarred for life.  I am lucky my husband works but due to circumstances we are not as comfy as we should be but we deal with things.  It would be very helpful to have some assistance but I am petrified of the whole system plus dealing with how I feel everyday.

I am struggling with my Vet work.  On Saturday I was in pain assisting the Nurse and Vet with a poor dog that had ripped her paw.  We were on the floor and I had to hold her down and it hurt.  The next day, a 90 year old would have got about easier, no joke.  This upsets me, I just don’t know how to get my head around this job ending in the future.  I can only hope my DMD helps when I get on it.

Finishing my Counselling training is not out of the question, I need to finish that really.  I looked into the disabled student loan thingy and it looks good, just have to hope it pans out and I can cope with the huge commitment the course is.  There are too many what ifs at the moment.

I have lost confidence and the ability to concentrate, plan and think clearly.  I don’t see anyone other than my hubby, son and Vet colleagues for a short time.

Here comes the fear again.

Fear in Limboland

12 Feb

I would like to address this today and its in response to a fair amount of Limbolanders on the forum.  There is a lot of fear around you see and I want to try and put a positive spin based on my experiences.

When I saw my GP a couple of weeks ago, one of the things he said to me was, ‘you have probably had this for a very long time’ (he is sure it is MS).  This keeps churning around in my head and I have com to a very positive conclusion – I have made many achievements, yay!!

I have always managed to keep in work, until 2011 when I was made redundant (this I note is becoming the norm :/)  I became a mummy.  I have worked for many years in the veterinary industry, which is a real passion and love of mine.  I have studied in Health & Social Care (and there you are stumbling doing a degree with honours!!), the old GNVQ which is another educational triumph for the powers at be!!! (not) and looked after the elderly; a great time in my life which I will always hold dear and never forget.  Completed the foundation years of Counselling training and I just need to get the finances in order so I can complete my Diploma, which I WILL do.

You get the gist.  I really wanted to show that if I have been suffering from MS for many years, I have still achieved, still got what I wanted.  Having children is something I always wanted and before I became pregnant, I did worry a lot about my fatigue.  My son is 7 and is my sunshine, he is the definition of unconditional love.  I have fertility issues and we really wanted another but its not meant to be.  I am 40 and concerned for the future but if I could get pregnant I would have another.

Please don’t worry about what may happen, it is easier said than done I know but if the time came and I lost quite a bit of my mobility, I am hoping that I will have less if onlys than what ifs.

I feel sad at the thought that I may not be able to jig about to music while doing the housework or ironing.  So now, I make sure I have a little wiggle daily.  This morning it was Justin Timberlake on one of those music channels, it was going through his back catalogue.  I want to do things while I can.

As soon as you lie in an MRI scanner, you realise this could be serious, it certainly felt serious to me.  I am going to do an MRI scanner experience post tomorrow.  I want to talk about that as a single experience to try and help anyone who is currently waiting for their scan.